anxiety attacks

in the past week two separate people have tried to fix me up. one was a lady from churcc, the other was a member of my family.

the lady from church called me and left a message saying that a friend had spotted me in church and wanted to meet me. so, i emailed the lady to get more details. with further investigation i found out that the possible suitor could be 45. 21 years might be too big of an age gap for me to deal with, so i figured when the lady didn't email me back pretty quick that she realized the age gap too and nixed the idea. then a few days later she emailed me and was sooooooooo excited to introduce us. in her words..."he really does want to meet you - he feels like what the heck ya'll might as well could at least be friends if there wasn't an attraction!" so, my initial thought is that maybe he's not that old, because why would a 45 year old man (with a high school student...i left that part out) want to be friends with me.

my aunt and uncle saw an old friends son at a wedding this past weekend and couldn't wait to connect me with him. this guy is much younger than the first guy. he's 31. so they tell him about me, and come home and tell me about him. i figure...what the heck...and give them the ok to give him my number.

so the boy ends up calling. we end up talking for about 45 minutes and the conversation was fine. he seems nice. we just had a bad conversation rythym. for example when we'd be talking multiple times we had to say, "i'm sorry what did you say? no no no...you go." granted...it was the first time we ever talked and i chalk it up to us just both being talkers.

the church lady asked me how i would prefer to meet the mystery possible 45 year old. possible places listed were over coffee, at church, blind date, at a friends house. it's then i realized that i hate being fixed up. the idea of it seems wonderful, but i dread it. when i do get fixed up and have to meet the guy i get so nervous my stomach hurts. i feel like i'm awkward and not relaxed. the closest thing i can compare it to when you're around two people that randomly start yelling at each other and you want to crawl in a hole.

it makes me want to just date people i know. and if that were a possibility i suppose i would already be dating them.

to add to it...when that guy called the other night the conversation started...

me: "so do you live in jefferson?"
him: "yeah, for now."
me: "oh are you moving?"
him: "i'm hoping to move soon."
me: "well, where are you moving?"
him: "well this is kind of weird, but hopefully to austin."
me: "you're right, that is weird!"

that does NOT help the internal anxiety attack!!